Flights and Fancy: How to Degauss a Cat
- By G. Curtis Hoskins
- Air & Space magazine, August 2010
No cats were successfully or unsuccessfully degaussed for this article.
© Leon Suharevsky/istockphoto. Photo-illustration By Théo
The idea came to me after I read a magazine article describing how an aircraft can become magnetized simply by flying through Earth’s magnetic field or when electrical currents flow through an aircraft’s structure. It can then generate its own magnetic field(s), which may confuse a compass, radio and navigation aids, and other instruments. Magnetic fields could affect not only light aircraft but also rockets and astronauts. Surely we wouldn’t want our rockets or astronauts to be wandering around space without accurate instruments for navigation and control.
The process of eliminating magnetic fields from an object is known as degaussing. We tested the effects of outer space on dogs and monkeys, so how about testing the effectiveness of degaussing on animals that are sensitive to such things?
Cats are ideal for this purpose. Note when a cat is lying in a certain orientation. Pick it up and then put it back down. If it chooses the same orientation (to magnetic fields), then it is in need of degaussing.
The procedure, which is best conducted before placing the cat inside the capsule or rocket or other confined space, is as follows.
First: Take the cat outside and coil a lightweight copper or aluminum wire loosely around it, beginning at whichever end the cat prefers, or allows. The coil may be either right-handed or left-handed, but be sure to note the direction of the coil and whether the cat is left-pawed or right-pawed, so the outcome may be correlated later.
Second: Wrap either end of the wire around a long nail and drive the nail into the ground. Note which end of the wire is used.
Third: After a suitable period of time, remove the wire from around the cat, or remove the cat from within the wire. Cats generally choose the suitable time period, and will pretty much take it from there.
Finally: Check to see if the cat’s direction is more random when lying down. If so, then the procedure has been successful. If the cat still appears to be polarized and unduly oriented within the magnetic fields, then a repeat of the procedure is recommended.
If the cat does not respond to the above, then “self-degaussing,” in which the cat frees itself from the magnetic fields, may be worth a try. This procedure is also best conducted outdoors, as will be obvious later.
The cat is caused to lie on its side, or better, is found lying on its side of its own accord. An eyedropper is used to place two or three drops of three-percent hydrogen peroxide into whichever ear is facing the dropper. At this step, it is important not to try to restrain the cat, lest one become subject to the various contaminants the cat sheds as it leaves magnetic fields behind and joins the squirrels in the trees. Here one may notice how gracefully the cat leaps from tree to tree, once freed from the bonds of polarization, magnetic fields, and other inconveniences.
After trying this method, note how the cat no longer appears entrapped by magnetic fields, as evidenced by the cat changing direction whenever you enter the room, and going elsewhere at a high rate of speed.
Cessna 182 owner G. Curtis Hoskins, now retired from his practice as a pathologist, writes about the natural silliness of the world.
Comments (17)
OK... This cracked me up. And it wasn't even April. A very clever piece.
Posted by Ian on July 16,2010 | 10:48 PM
I've always wondered why my cats acted so strangely. Now I know; it's the malefic influence of magnetic fields. I just wonder - would this also work on teenagers? EDITORS' REPLY: Wait till they're asleep before trying it.
Posted by Jonathan Hayes on July 17,2010 | 08:14 PM
It would take a pathologist to think of that. And a psychologist to figure out why. EDITORS' REPLY: Hah!
Posted by Bill Webb on July 18,2010 | 09:43 PM
This explains why I could never dip my cats in flea dip. The cat's invested magnetic moment is in opposition to the magnetic moments of the spinning protons in the hydrogen atoms in the water in the dip sink. Thus the intense twisting movements of the cats away from the water with claws extended allowing them to claw their way away. Shock and some amount of blood, mine, was the usual result. I had always thought that they just hated anything like bath water.
Posted by tom melatis on July 21,2010 | 10:54 PM
This explains why I could never dip my cats in flea dip. The cat's invested magnetic moment is in opposition to the magnetic moments of the spinning protons in the hydrogen atoms in the water in the dip sink. Thus the intense twisting movements of the cats away from the water with claws extended allowing them to claw their way away. Shock and some amount of blood, mine, was the usual result. I had always thought that they just hated anything like bath water.
Posted by tom melatis on July 21,2010 | 10:54 PM
Tested and approved. Works like a charm! (EDITORS' REPLY: Hah!!!)
Posted by Sam Axe on August 3,2010 | 02:17 PM
As someone who has spent a career degaussing things for the Navy I have a special appreciation for this article. So what will the cats of the world do when the magnetic poles of the Earth reverse themselves in a few (thousand) years? EDITORS' REPLY: Nap.
Posted by Dana Hesse on August 4,2010 | 09:06 PM
Are they really serious?? my cat would flip Shi%. lol
My cat would allow this like a bath.... I am laughing so hard.... sorry and I teach chemistry!!! My kids will love this one... EDITORS' REPLY: Thanks for laughing. The article was a humorous one. Cats do not need degaussing, readers!
Posted by Patricia on August 5,2010 | 08:03 AM
May I have permission to reprint the How to Degauss a Cat
in my 6 page humor newsletter for exmensans. 45 subscribers
Air Space Mag will be credited. EDITORS' REPLY: The rights to reprint it are owned by the writer. We'll forward your request on to him.
Posted by hank roll on August 9,2010 | 11:09 PM
My friend asked me to read it aloud to him.
I could barely finish I was laughing so hard.
Posted by Jennifer on August 15,2010 | 11:03 AM
NOW you tell us cat's don't need degaussing.. What are we going to do with all this copper coils, not to mention the bill for the cat psychologist... EDITORS' REPLY: Thank you for a badly needed Monday morning laugh.
Posted by phoenix on August 15,2010 | 11:54 AM
I guess my cat doesn't need degaussing. She never re-aligns after I pick her up. She usually scrams, anticipating more picking up.
My teenagers are a different matter. They always seem to be in the same position. Like the article! EDITORS' REPLY: We are familiar with the Scramming Phenomenon.
Posted by Alice on October 9,2010 | 09:43 PM
I read this and started laughing in the middle of my students taking a test... now they are looking at me strangely.
Posted by Heather on October 12,2010 | 02:23 PM
I read this article yesterday, and this morning, I thought about it and burst out laughing! My wife asked what I was laughing about, I could only reply, "The voices in my head are telling me jokes again." Thanks for a great article!
Jay, Hill AFB, Utah
Posted by Jay Flitton on October 17,2010 | 11:37 AM
As a freelance writer looking for the "tone" in this publication before I submit, this is quite interesting. Tell the truth, you all have a bunch of model rockets that your wives are making you sell on Ebay, right?
Now, I have seven cats, so I'm going to have to start stealing copper from people's air conditioners to have enough to try this. EDITORS' REPLY: Thank you for understanding that this was a humor piece, not an advice column.
Posted by Christine S. Lucas on January 27,2011 | 02:10 PM
Over two years on and this article is STILL brilliant!
Posted by John on January 6,2013 | 05:51 AM
Seriously I was wondering IF it is possible to Deguass a human. I recently discovered I have WPW (Wolf-Parkinson-White)Syndrome. It is an extra electric in my heart that causes it to fire incorrectly. I can't wear a watch because they don't run correctly and I know this sounds weird but if I am really consentrating I cause streetlights to turn off. (My sister blows lightblubs in lamps all the time)I know this was a joke but I was wondering??
Posted by Helen on March 7,2013 | 04:00 PM